Why We Say “We Should Do This More Often

You've just had a genuinely lovely time — a long dinner with old friends, a rare afternoon with a relative you barely see, a catch-up that somehow stretched into three hours. And as you're putting on your coat, someone says it: "We should do this more often." Everyone nods. Everyone means it. And then… nothing happens for another two years.

It's one of those phrases that feels both completely sincere and somehow hollow at the same time. People aren't lying when they say it — the warmth in the room is real. But the follow-through rarely matches the intention, and most of us have noticed the gap. So why do we keep saying it? Is it a social reflex, a polite exit line, or a genuine promise that just keeps getting swallowed by the busyness of life?

The answer is a little bit of all three — and understanding it says something surprisingly interesting about how humans manage connection, discomfort, and the strange art of saying goodbye.

The Awkward Moment This Phrase Is Actually Solving

Endings are socially tricky. Whether it's a phone call, a party, or a dinner, the moment of departure carries a subtle emotional weight: you're signaling that the time together is over, and that can feel abrupt, even a little cold, if not handled carefully. Humans have developed a toolkit of closing rituals — the long goodbye, the hug at the door, the "drive safe" — and "we should do this more often" is one of the most reliable tools in that kit.

What the phrase actually does is reframe the ending. Instead of "this is over," it says "this is just paused." It transforms a farewell into a forward-looking statement, which softens the emotional finality of leaving. Psychologists who study social scripts note that closing rituals serve a bonding function — they reassure both parties that the relationship has value beyond this single encounter. The phrase is essentially a verbal handshake that says: I enjoyed this, and I value you enough to imagine a future version of this.

In that sense, it's solving a real problem. Without some version of this sentiment, goodbyes can feel weirdly terminal. The phrase fills the gap between "I had fun" (past) and "see you soon" (vague future) with something that sounds like a plan — even when it isn't quite one yet. It's closely related to why we say "let's catch up" and never do — both phrases do important emotional work in the moment, regardless of whether they become action.

Where Farewell Rituals Like This One Come From

The specific phrasing "we should do this more often" is relatively modern in its current casual form, but the impulse behind it is ancient. Anthropologists and linguists who study phatic communion — language used to maintain social bonds rather than convey information — trace these kinds of expressions back to the earliest documented social rituals. Bronisław Malinowski, the Polish-British anthropologist, coined the term "phatic communion" in 1923 to describe exactly this: speech that functions as social glue rather than literal meaning.

In earlier eras, farewell rituals were often more formalized. Medieval European courts had elaborate leave-taking ceremonies. Victorian etiquette manuals devoted entire chapters to the proper way to end a visit — including specific phrases that signaled goodwill without making binding commitments. The underlying need was the same: acknowledge the value of the time shared, and exit gracefully without anyone feeling dismissed.

The more casual, conversational version we use today — "we should do this more often," "we really need to hang out more," "don't be a stranger" — gained cultural traction through the 20th century as social interactions became less formal and more egalitarian. As rigid etiquette structures loosened after World War II, people needed new, low-formality ways to perform the same social function. This phrase, and others like it, stepped into that space naturally and has been doing the job ever since.

Why We Keep Saying It Even When We Know We Might Not Follow Through

Here's the thing: most people who say "we should do this more often" are not being cynical or dishonest. In the moment, the intention is almost always genuine. The warmth of the shared experience is real, and the desire to repeat it is real. The problem is that the phrase gets spoken at the exact moment when good feelings are at their peak — and peak feelings are notoriously unreliable guides to future behavior. Life intervenes, schedules fill up, and the emotional urgency fades.

There's also a psychological phenomenon at play called temporal discounting — our tendency to value present experiences far more than future ones. When you're sitting at that dinner table, the idea of doing it again feels easy and obvious. But the future version of you who has to actually coordinate calendars, book a table, and carve out an evening? That person faces a much more concrete set of obstacles. The phrase is sincere, but it's spoken by your present self on behalf of a future self who hasn't yet encountered the friction.

It also persists because the alternative is worse. Not saying anything warm at the end of a good gathering feels socially incomplete — almost rude. Saying something too specific ("let's do dinner on the 14th") can feel presumptuous or create awkward obligation. "We should do this more often" sits in a comfortable middle ground: warm enough to honor the moment, vague enough to carry no immediate burden. Much like how we say "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" to soften a social exchange, this phrase keeps the emotional temperature just right without demanding anything concrete from either party.

The Myth That Saying It Means You Don't Mean It

One of the most common misconceptions about this phrase is that because it often goes unfulfilled, it must be insincere — a social nicety that means nothing, like a polite laugh at a joke that wasn't funny. But sincerity and follow-through are not the same thing. Research on social bonding consistently shows that people genuinely feel the warmth they express in these moments. The phrase isn't a lie; it's a snapshot of real emotion that simply doesn't always survive contact with the calendar.

Another misconception is that only superficial relationships produce this phrase. In reality, it shows up just as often between close friends and family members who genuinely love each other but struggle with the logistics of adult life. Busy people who deeply care about each other still let months slip by. The phrase isn't a sign of a weak relationship — it's a sign of a busy life bumping up against genuine affection. Similarly, the way we rehearse what we'll say before calling someone reflects not indifference, but the social effort we're willing to invest in people who matter to us.

Finally, some people assume the phrase is uniquely modern — a symptom of our distracted, overscheduled era. But as the history shows, humans have always needed graceful ways to end good time together, and they've always struggled to repeat it as often as they'd like. The gap between intention and action isn't a modern failure. It's a human one. And maybe that's worth sitting with: the next time someone says "we should do this more often," the most interesting response isn't skepticism — it's pulling out your phone and actually picking a date.

This article explores the history and purpose behind everyday things and is for educational purposes only.